StacyCelia.com

I know I haven’t written, but it’s only because I’m feeling very under the weather. And so, I’ll write an entry, but in a shortened version now.

Jamie’s house, wedding mags, Wildfire. Cough, cough, sniffle. Work, new agency, Carnivale - yum, personal trainer with purple hair. Sick. St. Louis this weekend, ‘Da Bears, Hilton, seeing Jason’s college. One meeting this morning, sleep on couch, sleep early tonight.

Less than three years ago, I was in school and just emerging from a deeply dark place. At that time, I considered myself to be happy if I could make it through the day without feeling angry and bitter. My biggest concerns were about the past; I felt anxiety about what could have been, what should have been and why it hadn’t been that way. Yet now, merely a couple years later (and seemingly overnight), my mind is consumed by thoughts about the future and very seldom about the past. This is a positive thing, of course, but when did this enormous and utterly ground-breaking transformation take place? 

A lot can happen in a ten minute period of time, just ask Jason upon arriving at work this morning. Around the Fullerton exit on Lake Shore Drive, I began to open up (and cry) about what has been on my mind lately - our future and what I thought was my anxiety that correlated with it. But, as I spoke more and more, I realized, it’s not so much about the future as much as it is about the greatest mystery of all - time. How does it go by so quickly? If my youth was able to escape me as it did, leaving me wondering when 16 turned into 26, who’s to say that 36 isn’t going to happen when I wake up tomorrow? It’s no wonder why there are some men and women are labeled as individuals who “never grew up.” I mean, it’s tempting not to.

But then I consider what my future holds. And if the past two years of being an “adult” can forecast my future in any way, tomorrow looks bright and promising. Jason came into my life when I decided not to play hard to get with happiness. And with that surrender came a very sexy man. I can resist adulthood which is just down the road, or I can embrace it, knowing that when you let go of worries and plug away at life with goals in mind and smile on face, life will happen just as it is supposed to.

Which is exactly what I am going to do.

Pig
Isn’t it strange
How we move our lives for another day
Like skipping a beat
What if a great wave should wash us all away?
Just thinking out loud
Don’t mean to dwell on this dying thing
But looking at blood
It’s alive right now
Deep and sweet within
Pouring through our veins
Intoxicate moving wine to tears
Drinking it deep
Then an evening spent dancing
It’s you and me
This love will open our world
From the dark side we can see a glow of something bright
There’s much more than we see here
Don’t burn the day away
Is this not enough?
This blessed sip of life
Is it not enough?
Staring down at the ground
Oh then complain and pray more from above
Greedy little pig
Stop just watch your world trickle away
Oh it’s your problem now
It’ll all be dead and gone in a few short years
Just love will open our eyes
Just love will put the hope in our minds
Much more than we could ever know
Don’t burn the day away
Come sister my brother
Shake up your bones shake up your feet
I’m saying open up
And let the rain come pouring in
Wash out this tired notion
That the best is yet to come
But while you’re dancing on the ground
Don’t think of when you’re gone
Love love what more is there
We need the light of love in here
Don’t beat your head
Dry your eyes
Let the love in there
There are bad times
But that’s ok
Just look for love in it
Don’t burn the day away
Look
Here are we
On this starry night staring into space
And I must say
I feel as small as dust
Lying down here
What point could there be troubling
Head down wondering what will become of me
Why concern we cannot see
But no reason to abandon it
Time is short but that’s all right
Maybe I’ll go in the middle of the night
Take your hands from your eyes, my love
Everything must end some time
Don’t burn the day away
Come sister my brother
Shake up your bones shake up your feet
I’m saying open up
And let the rain come flooding in
Wash out this tired notion
That the best is yet to come
But while you’re dancing on the ground
Don’t think of when you’re gone
Love love what more is there
We need the light of love in here
Don’t beat your head
Dry your eyes
Let the love in there
There are bad times
But that’s ok
Just look for love in it

Words by DMB

I work for a radio station, right? I sell online ads, but on six radio station web sites. I don’t talk about my job on here because that would be plain dumb. I’m not even comfortable saying good things (not that there are any bad things to say), but I must make an exception today.

On one of the stations, they play “holiday” music (AKA Christmas music, I hear no dreidle playing) from now until the first of January. Everyone here is annoyed because we hear it as we work, for eight hours straight, time five days a week, multiplied by six weeks; that’s a heck of a lot of hours. I must say, I LOVE it. I feel so jolly. It IS the most wonderful time of the year…

Have a great weekend, All. Jason’s friend and his gf are coming in tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it. You better watch out, you better not cry? You better not something, I’m telling you why…Santa Clause is coming to town. It’s only November…how long is his trip? Poor guy. Do you think must pay for all carry-ons?

PS - I tried to use spell check. Dreidle came up as misspelled, but they did not offer an alternative.

PPS - At lunch today, I saw a mouse! I don’t want to talk about it.

I met Usher today. Well, I didn’t really meet him, but I absolutely shared an elevator with him. He is hot. Very short, but very sexy. My entire body was shaking for 25 minutes afterward. Working at a radio station definitely has its benefits and they all dance very well (and aren’t so bad on the eyes, either). Wow. His smile melts my everything. Adorable. He’s playing at the House of Blues tonight, but instead I’ll be hanging here with Jace who is home safely from Ohio.

I’ve been focusing on one affirmation lately - “Every thought you have shapes your future.” How true is it? This morning on the way to work, I heard a song that reminds me of my first college which I prefer not to ever hear about (I personally will never let my children attend a big ten school, but I’m not bitter). My gut reaction was to say, “F-you,” and I did, but after that I remembered the affirmation and realized that to curse that no good of a school is to encourage the hatred and resentment that I feel towards it, leaving me eternally angry. I’ve spent enough energy upset in years past so instead, I just changed the station and eliminated the contagious impact my negative thoughts have on me. If I do not chose to cut off my bitterness towards this entity, I never will. And so, while my past will always exist, I have decided to proactively ignore my temptation to resent it. Instead, I’m going to really try to allow myself to let it go. And in all seriousness, unlike years past, I only think about this hellhole when something triggers me to. There was a time when I spent every minute full of hate…and then every hour…eventually every week…and now only when someone or something brings it up. But perhaps if I tell myself I don’t care enough times, maybe, just maybe, I’ll begin not to. After all, I’m luckily done with those POSs and never have to deal with those sons of bitches again.

So over it.

Anyway, I really do believe that our internal conversations generate our futures. When I think of myself as happy, I’m suddenly smiling. When I think, “poor me,” I feel sad and even worse. It goes both ways. The mind is a powerful thing and it’s amazing to me how easily one can be brainwashed by their own desire to believe a false reality. I’ve seen it happen over and over again. People truly believe what they want to, whether or not it’s true. So, if we are able to be brainwashed by the evil and the creepos of the world, why not listen to the one person who wants the best for ourselves? Ourselves. BIG caveat…

Be careful because sometimes we don’t want what is actually best for us. Sometimes we want what feels temporarily good or easy more. Sometimes it’s a man that we know is bad news, but we like a chase. Sometimes it’s ignoring the truth because it’s actually just too hard to face. We try to justify these “wants” by explaining to ourselves that it’s just sex, I don’t care that much about him or that I’m right and they’re wrong. By ignoring what’s best for ourselves we’re actually ignoring a deep confrontation within. I’m babbling, I’m sure. By now I’ve lost you all.

Either way, I’m working through it for myself…

Instinctively, it’s easier for me to continue to hate my former institution. But perhaps, if I confront the pain that lingers from years past, I will be able to best move into my future without constantly looking back and hating it. How free to be living in today and over yesterday. For those of you who live in the past, I suggest that you work through it. By living in the past, you are hindering your future - BIG time. And you’re the only one who is going to suffer. Trust me.

My day was not so great today. I’m over it, tomorrow is a new one. The economical turmoil is really getting to me, I suppose. I’m seeing it impact so many people and in so many ways. The company that owns Beachwood Place (a mall in my hometown) is going bankrupt. What? The overall morale at my office is down, too. And despite my fondness for Brian Williams, today was the first time in a very long time that I just couldn’t stomach what he had to tell me after my long workday. Today I bought lunch with my friend Charlene and I actually thought to myself, “I should have saved this ten dollars and put it in the bank in case I need it later.” When did I start thinking like this? My brain never used to run this way.

Jason tells me not to worry, that he would be able to take care of me, etc., but that’s just not good enough for me. Is my fear a reaction to the reality of our economy or is my brain magnifying the problems because I am just recently thinking like an adult - thinking about my future and even the future of my unborn (and unconceived!) children. Whatever it is that is making me so serious has got to go away soon. I mean, really, it’s not fun to actually believe that just like SUVs, Saks and Neiman Marcus are “out.” I admire stylish people who wear nameless clothing now, unlike I ever did before. I see THEM as the well dressed individuals, as ”green” and as cool. I honestly feel like a woman holding a big leather Prada bag may as well be fake tanned, driving a gas guzzling SUV and smoking cigarettes - it’s just all so last year (or last decade if we’re referring to the tan). The other day Jason asked me if I unplugged the toaster. Well, yes, I did. I’m GREEN now.

On a lighter note, Jason and I are buying a new dining room table this weekend (so much for saving money). Since we’re not moving any time soon, we’ve decided to make some small changes in our place - one step at a time. First on the list is a new table. I think I found one that I love at Crate and Barrel. I want one that will last. At least for five years. Right? How long do tables last anyway? I’m sure a GOOD table can last years. How do you know if it’s “good?”

SIgh.

My friend Ashley just left. Per usual, we had fun and chatted the night away. Jason is in Cincinnati, Ohio on a business trip and that means one thing - TV in bed!!! Two things actually - also that I miss him terribly; it’s so sick, he’s been gone for less than a day. Oh well, we should always be this much in love, right? Hope all is well on all of your ends.

SAB

1. I bought my wedding dress. I can’t believe it. I cried, well, I teared up a bit. I love it. It was between two. It was a tough decision, but in the end, I chose the one that I felt most like a bride in. I’m a bride. I love veils so much. I walked around the store for two hours in it, despite the fact that for a lot of the time I was fully clothed in my leggings and sweatshirt. I CAN’T WAIT TO MARRY JASON!

2. Today is my Grandma Lil’s birthday. I miss her. A lot. I wish that Jason would have had the honor of meeting her and my grandpa Ben. I wish that we could go visit them at the cemetery, at the least. Pretty soon we’ll get there. My Uncle Ernie (my grandma’s sister’s husband) is getting bar mitzvahed in December. I’m trying to get there. I would not want to miss it.

3. We hired a florist!

4. My parents and I had dinner this past Sunday night in Cleveland. Once again, my father made us both cry of laughter. I swear, if I didn’t know any better, I would say that they were flirting over dinner. Strange. So much fun. I could have not spoken for twenty minutes and they may not have noticed. Seriously. I am so lucky that I get to be with the two of them on occasion. At one point, I held both of their hands and closed my eyes. I wanted to remember the joy of the moment forever, so I attempted to store it in my memory for good.

5. I have my whole bridal party in place! Aside from marrying Jason and enjoying the planning process with my parents (and my father is also involved; the other day he was informing me of drink options and the presentation) is being with my favorite women in the world. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I love these women. They have been a part of my life throughout it and all at critical times. Without these ladies, I would not be who I am today. I was thinking about doing an entry on each one of them and I still may. I would love to embarrass each of them. Anyway, now I’m thinking about which groomsman (groomsmen?) is going to walk down which bridesmaid. One couple I know for sure - Mr. and Mrs. Michael Bogart.

Alright, I’m off to make some money. Check in with you later ~

He who forgets, will be destined to

 remember.

And now…I can finally sleep.