StacyCelia.com

People often wonder how realistic reality television actually is. Some say “The Hills” is scripted. I say it often depicts reality precisely. 

Is anything exactly as you picture it will be? Rarely. Sometimes life exceeds expectations, though sometimes it disappoints. Three VERY important people will not be at the bach party in NYC. Instead of crying about it, I’ll be thankful for those who are coming. Intimate, yet special weekend it is.

Have you ever tried to enjoy a moment only to be preoccupied by your subconscious? It happened to me this entire weekend. Sometimes it can rob you of wonderful experiences. I refuse to let that happen again. (Can I control that?)

Adam is in Chicago. He traveled back from Cleveland with Jason, his dad and me. After a wonderful (yet emotional) weekend, Jason and my mom insisted that he spend a couple weeks by the lake. They were so right - it is awesome having him here.

If I sound down, it’s because I sort of, kind of am. I forced myself to run this morning. I did 2.5 miles in exactly 26 minutes. I was dizzy when I was finished, but the training schedule called for it, so I did it. I am really excited about this! My friend Robby says that it is “all mental.” I think he’s right, especially when it comes to me since everything is mental with me. My dad thinks that I am high maintenance. “Not with money, just with emotions.”

No way to close this random entry, so I’ll just end by telling you that I have two interviews this week. Afterwards, don’t ask me how they went…I hate that.

If you wake up and don’t want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
You’ll see things in a different way.

Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don’t stop, it’ll soon be here,
It’ll be, better than before,
Yesterdays gone, yesterdays gone.

Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things

All I want is to see you smile,
If it takes just a little while,
I know you don’t believe that its true,
I never meant any harm to you.

Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don’t stop, it’ll soon be here,
It’ll be, better than before,
Yesterdays gone, yesterdays gone.

Love,

Stacy

1. Should I give up drinking all together? Drinking only makes me feel guilty about calories and hung over the following day. Of course there are cold winter nights when a glass of wine with dinner makes everything more romantic, but those are exceptions. Right now I only drink once in a while (for example, this past weekend at a wedding or a month ago at my friend’s divorce party). Each of these times I wake up the next morning with a headache, some times feeling embarrassed and always super lazy. It is not good for my post-day eating, nor is it good for photos (my camera usually tells the story of an ugly girl having too much fun the night before)…as the night goes on, the makeup comes off, the hair grows a fro and my eyes turn black. So, right now I am considering saving drinks for HUGE occasions like my bachelorette party, Jamie’s wedding, and a couple BYOB nights in the wintertime. Once I commit to this, not much will change, but nonetheless, it’s a big deal. I’m talking 6 nights a year. Yes. I’m doing it.

Done.

2. I may sign up for the ING NYC Marathon in October (for only half). I am now up to 6 miles (walking/jogging). Today was my first day outside and it is a LOT more difficult. The wind, the hills, the dust, oh my. But that lake, man…Lake Michigan is exquisite. I am getting really serious about running now. I was fitted for shoes yesterday and tried them out today. While the shoes felt great, the inserts were MISERABLE. I had to stop before Belmont to take them out. I literally felt like my feet were broken. Anyway, I think I am going to do it. The worse thing that happens is that I walk the remainder of it, right? Jason and I may do a walk to prevent suicide in June. It’s overnight and 18 miles. Anyone want to come? I called Bruce to tell him about the completion of my first unofficial 10k. He is upset. He says that running will shorten my lifespan. I love him, but I told him that it was the dumbest conversation we’ve ever had. He said that working out is counter-productive. I told him to talk to a doctor. But why shouldn’t I work towards the half marathon? What do I have to lose? Okay, I’ll do it. I’m in.

Done.

Until recently, milestones for me usually meant anxiety to endure. Graduations, for example, meant that my mom and dad would be together. The notion that my “family” would once again border the same table, meant that the pleasure and pride of graduation would be replaced by nervousness over who would pay the bill, how would my mom react, would my father feel hurt and would I get angry. I knew it was my imagination that played up these scenarios, but nonetheless, perception was my reality.

There are three sides to every story, they say. In this case, however, it’s only the moral of the story that I will remember. The details that linger in my mind merely represent unprecedented growth by members of my family.

I always predicted that my wedding and the planning involved with it would be just like the graduations prior. I just accepted that it would not be peaceful, would definitely be stressful and might even be nightmarish. Boy did I underestimate my parents.

When my family faced new struggles a few years ago, a new set of parents emerged. What felt like overnight, my mom’s anger and my father’s resentment were washed away by the clear vision and love they shared for their children. Unified as one parental unit - in a way that I had not even witnessed in their 20 years of marriage - became my greatest comfort and source of appreciation. They both changed, that is obvious, but their love for the kids never did.

When I became engaged, my parents traveled and celebrated together. It was the best weekend of my life…and they had a major part in my happiness.

At my grandmother’s funeral, my mom sat in the family room with her former in-laws. We all shared a Passover table that night.

When my Uncle Ernie was bar mitzvah-ed months ago, my father shared a table with his former in-laws in Connecticut.

Last weekend I had dinner with my mom and dad. Afterwords, the three of us went to my dad’s meeting where my mom was able to understand my father’s deep transformation a little bit more. As tears swelled up in my eyes, I thanked God for my new perception and my new reality. The family obstacles may not be resolved just yet, but at least I have a set of parents working together, ironically, for peace.

Every bit of this wedding planning has been a dream…all because of them. Instead of feeling anxiety about my upcoming milestone, I simply feel joy. Overwhelming joy. In September we will all border a table once again, only this time it will only be about the wedding. This time my “family” is truly a family.

One day when Jason and I have children, their grandparents will have given them a priceless gift - peace within the family. I am grateful that both my mom and dad have let go of the past and united for their childrens’ future. The moral of their 30 year story is that yes, forgiveness is possible…

And always worth it.

My father used to always say, “don’t forget to write,” but lately I have. He didn’t mean literally, he just wanted me to keep in touch. I’m sorry that I’ve been failing to. I’ve been busy! You know how it is.

I honestly have no time to write, so instead I’ll simply check in. First thing in the morning, Jason, his father and I will be off to Laguardia and then to Connecticut for a wedding. Joe and Jenna are getting married and we could not be happier for them. I have no doubt that it will be a phenomenal weekend. I have a new dress that I cannot wait to wear, not to mention the fact that I’ll see my family on Saturday! Does life get any better? I am in a really cheesy place right now, so you’ll have to excuse me.

I have a personal announcement that is perhaps the biggest news I have ever created for myself. How curious are you right now? Because there is a back story, I will wait until Monday to tell you about it.

How’s that for a cliffhanger?

PS - Facebook is amazing. I have personal theories about people who are not on it (when one ignores the simple chance to connect with people whom they haven’t in years and wouldn’t otherwise, it just tells me that they want no part of anything outside their own world). Wednesday night I am having dinner with my former camp counselor from, um, ‘96? I can’t wait. It’s been at least a decade.

PPS - My father, brother and uncle are all going to Jason’s bachelor party in WI. It means everything to me.

PPPS - Jason and I are golf partners now.

PPPS - Less than four months!

PPPPS - They say life gets better, but I can’t imagine it. Well, perhaps when I get a job…Actually, life may worsen at that time.

PPPPPS - Everyone knows that the poem from yesterday was writen by U2 right? My father emailed me that my poem was excellent, the best I’ve ever writen…does that mean U2 writes better than I do? DAD! C’mon, did you really think?!

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say…

One love
One life
When it’s one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don’t care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it’s…

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We’re one, but we’re not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One…

Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it’s all I got
We’re one
But we’re not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can’t be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we’re not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One…life

One

I watched Oprah this afternoon. She was covering a story about the missing McCann girl, Madeline. Her devastated parents recently had a sketch created of what their daughter would look like today. I paused the tivo for a good two minutes. There is no doubt in my mind that I could pick her out if she walked past me this week. Furthermore, I would have zero hesitation about calling the police if that god-willingly were to happen. I am hopeful that whoever is reading this would do the same thing. Nothing bad can come of a faulty siting. Press pause when someone needs your help. Listen in slow motion. (Especially if you have ADD like myself.)

Oprah also covered the story of a man who went great lengths (18k dollars to be specific, his life savings) to make his singing dream come true. His creativity landed him on the Oprah show for his American debut (”You have to start somewhere,” as he said.) Very cool. Watch this. And then help me figure out what my dream is…I would have no problem making it come true if only I knew…

I hope to be able to show you the video of him on Oprah tomorrow. Tears rolled down my eyes as I realized that today I have begun the search for my own dream. I know I’ve got one, and am positive that with a clear vision, I could make it come true. Sometimes it’s important to press pause and listen to others…it may make you listen more closely to yourself.

I went to my friend Laura’s bach party this weekend. Great time. Heather and I drove up to Milwaukee on Saturday morning, went to a brewery, partied with new faces and toasted to Laura’s upcoming marriage that we all know is going to be perfection. Lots to say about the weekend. I could tell you about the raunchy activity we all did, the 10,000 calories I consumed (wrote the prior blog way too soon), the fun stories that were told, the vodka tonics that Laura thought she drank, or about the gut-wrentching envy I felt towards Laura and her sister (and maid of honor) Tori…but instead, the real story of the weekend that I would like to share developed at the its end.

The best part about going away for the weekend is coming home. I love my home and returning to it gives me an instant dose of gratitude for the life that I live. I walked in around 1 PM today. Jace was golfing with some friends, so I had a couple hours more to miss him. I threw my bags on the floor in our room and immediately noticed evidence that Jason missed me too. It was a love note…undoubtedly one of his best.

When I plopped on the couch and turned on the television, ESPN came on. I can’t explain it (but of course I’ll try) what it feels like to know and trust someone like I do my man, Jason. It is just ESPN but it’s also an example of coming home to my partner and best friend. It’s comfort. He’s everywhere in this home that we share. I’ve never known someone the way I know him. I can literally guess what he did while I was away just based on the clues around our one bedroom condo. The best part about going away is coming back to my life with Jason. (And also all of the text messages that he sends while I’m gone. I lock all the cute ones. I don’t lose them until the phone is broken next.) Last night he wrote that he loved me “more than anything in the whole wide world.” “Even Lou Malnadi’s?” I asked. “More than anything,” he assured.

I’ve never felt so greeted and welcomed by an empty home in my life. When two people share so much of everything together, they really can be together in solitude. I’ve never felt so loved in my entire life. Everyday even more than the last. On the way home today, Heather asked me what I would blog about from this weekend. I told her that I wasn’t sure. But when I came home, it became clear what I wanted to remember most about this weekend…the underlying love story.

I’ve written before about my tendency to overdo or under-do pretty much anything that impacts my mental health. Too much sleep (lazy and unproductive), too little food (inevitable binge eating session(s), diet down the drain), too much socializing (exhaustion, low funds), too little socializing (isolation)… I wrote about the importance balance just recently. Today I realize that my past efforts were sincere, but my approach was overall counter-productive. The fact that I am feeling so balanced today, despite my empty unemployed days, demands that I take a closer look to understand what is different this time around…especially given that I have as many hours in the day to mess up as I need. After careful consideration, I have a theory! Read on…

I have been working diligently on my mind and body. I have purposely not measured my progress on paper (perhaps I would become obsessive), nor have I ignored all of my “bad” temptations (pizza once every two months won’t kill anyone). Instead, I have pushed myself when I feel flat and rested when my body cried for a break. Today, when I least expected it, I hit one of my goals - I ran a mile in under ten minutes.

This may be a walk in the park for most people, I have no idea, but for me it is an accomplishment. I started running just two or three weeks ago. Five minutes here, another five there…And then today, after I had completed step class, I promised myself that I would run five minutes. It turned into ten before I realized it (thank you Aerosmith and ‘The View’) and just like that, I reached one of my fitness goals.

I have no doubt it is a direct result of the perfect ratio between pushing myself and rewarding myself. Formerly it was punishing myself and way, way overly rewarding myself. If I could jar up my current mentality and save it for a rainy day, I would. I’d sell it. This may be the first time I have ever felt so (can I say it again?) BALANCED in this context.

It’s when I stop focusing so much that the pressure alleviates and results manifest. In grade school they used to tell me to look at the big picture to understand, “stop focusing so much on the small details.” It seems I’ve learned a lot about my personal success by doing the same thing.

PS - To my detriment, I have always been a fan of instant gratification. It turns out that slow and steady actually does win the race. And to think, I have only just entered the marathon. Oy.